Feeling the luuuurve

So you know how sometimes you’re feeling really down? Like, really, really down? Too down to call your friends and moan about your downness? Well, I feel like that more often than I’d like, but today I found the cure.

My little sister Blue was in the bath because she’d rolled in the Country Fresh Manure that Mum got for the strawberries and I went in and stared at my huge pores in the mirror. I thought it might make me feel better because the mirror was so misted up it looked like I had zero pores.

‘Hello,’ said Blue.

‘Hello,’ I said gloomily. ‘Can you see my pores?’

‘What are pores?’

‘Holes in your skin.’

‘Ewww! You’ve got no holes in your skin,’ she said decisively. ‘You have no pores.’

‘Thanks!’ I said, and even with the misty mirror I could see a smile beginning on my non-porous face. That’s when I had my big idea.

I sat down on the loo seat (closed) and said, ‘Tell me why you love me.’

This is the kind of task Blue takes seriously. This is what she said:

Oooone: you are really pretty

Twoooo: you are really kind and you love me

Threeee: you do stuff for me (This is true. I have even been known to wipe her butt.)

Fouuuur: you are tall

Fiiiiiive: you let me do what I want

Siiiiiix: youuuu read me stories

Seveeeen: you cut up my carrots

Eiiight: you wear make-up and lipstick and I like it

Niiiine: you look after me

TEHHHHN!: and you give nice squishy kisses and hugs

So can you see why this cure works? Don’t I have the best lil sis in the world? She’s for hire.

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Back to School

School uniform is not Blue’s favourite thing. She’d prefer to wear her velvet skirt, a fabulous cloak and a battered pair of red Converse. Getting her into her uniform today was a total trial. I heard the yelling all the way out in my annexe. So I wasn’t surprised when Mum shoved us all out the door this morning, and turned to me to say through clenched teeth, ‘Can you bring Blue back from school today?’

She had a weirdy crazed look in her eye, so I went, ‘Uhh, sure, Mum,’ grabbed Blue’s hand and took off before she started doing something nuts like raindancing in the street in her latest caftan (red and billowy. Not a good look on anyone, particularly someone who cuts their own hair).

So at 3.15 I swing by Hambledon Primary and get Blue. She’s as pleased as punch that her cool big sis is picking her up. (Pen said it’s just because Blue knows I’m never without chocolate, but that’s not fair – the cupboard love thing, that is, not the chocolate – it’s true, I can’t be at ease unless there are cocoa solids min. 56% on my person.)

Where was I?

Oh yes. Blue. So she’s thrown herself at me in a big hello hug, and then hurtled up the slope towards the main road out. I’m just about to call out and tell her wait when she stops under the trees and waves at me.

‘Aw,’ says a mum, holding the hand of a little guy with floppy blond hair. ‘She’s so good.’

And what does Blue do? She totally shames me. Of course she does. She pulls her dress up over her head and underneath is nothing but her skinny little butt, mooning at me!

Clearly, in all the hiatus this morning, Blue had got away knickerless. What a way to personlise a uniform. Knickerless.

All. Frikking. Day

I blame her mother.

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The circular saw

So Great-aunt Shirley has been sorting things out. The last we heard from her,  you may remember, she’d managed to construct a device to see how much rainwater she had in her tank. It wasn’t too complicated: string + lead sinker = let’s see how much of the string gets wet.

The trouble began when the string broke and the lead was left to poison Great-aunt Shirley’s water supply. And guess who had to get into a swimsuit in the freezing cold and fish it out? Yep. Me. But that was then. This is now.

Now Great-aunt Shirley has bought a circular saw.

Mum has been on the phone to her going, ‘Why? Whyeeee?’ and breaking into a cold sweat. We are all in a cold sweat, frankly, at the thought of our oldest living relative in control of such a very sharp and whizzy power tool.

It’s a good thing I don’t faint at the sight of blood.

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